Everything's Not Lost
Updated: May 13
Isolation was commonplace in my childhood, as an only child of two parents who were very work obsessed. I think this is why introspection comes naturally to me, and I'm thankful for that! Nonetheless it was a painful time and in some ways it was made worse by the fact that I was never introduced to most of my family. I was told that they are "none of my business...."
I finally decided to take a DNA test and I contacted some of my relatives-as of today they have still not responded. Part of me fantasizes about meeting people who might look and act like me, but I realize that's a lot of expectation to put on strangers.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what "self" means. And this is the backdrop for my attempt at contacting family. Over the past few years I have done a lot of emotional work to separate my idea of "self" from my challenging relationship with my parents, and from self-imposed expectations of my career.
In the past, I defined myself by a perceived level of social capital and my ability to live within a carefully defined box. However, at some point the disappointment that I had with myself, overshadowed the fear to be different.
This is when change becomes a necessity.
I would say that my sense of self is now loosely defined by curiosity, and fueled by a desire for self-expression and introspection. I assume this will change as I continue to move through life.
And I welcome the continued paradigm shift (as challenging as it is), because that is how I know that I'm human.
And because I need to fucking try.